Expressions of My Identity

I have never quite "fit in". . although I am always trying.
I say please and thank you . . and isn't that nice, while smiling.
But what I really think usually stays inside. .
Or I should say it stays in my head. . .
And goes round and round and round.

When I try to say who I am or what I think . . I am tongue-tied.
I have practiced over and over the 15 second "sales pitch".
It sounds ridiculous.
It is not an expression of my identity.

My eyes are.
The kind of work I do is.
The way I bake coffee cake on Christmas . .
These are expressions of my identity.

You can tell who I am by asking me a question that requires the truth today
And again, the same question next week.  It will still be the truth.

Rather than creating a fictional persona who curtsies and prattles about . . . I am strong on most days, knowing what I want and what I don't want . . and yet, when my guard is down, when I am uncertain, I feel like an idiot .  .and so I hide. . .afraid of my own shadow.

I do not like the dark side of who I am (although I know she exists) . . and so I force her to be silent.
But the silence can be deafening.
It can keep me from hearing even my own inner voice.

And so I am on a mission to recover my shadow self. . to express who I really am.
However, first I must go within and find her.