I cannot find a place to stand on my own in the present. I am so caught up in a death-grip from the past; old actions and reactions haunt my every move. I reach behind me to release the catch and yet, almost as a wind-up toy that gets stuck in one position and can't be freed, I am ratcheted into a contorted stance. I am definitely unbalanced.
When I am frazzled, my emotions are like raw nerve endings and everything around seems to be in CHAOS! The counter is cluttered, all of my underwear are in the laundry, and I've got stacks of bills to contend with . . mirroring the disrupted and unattended muck I seem to be unconsciously shuffling around.
I am constantly making excuses and explanations. I've got a busy
schedule, I just cleaned (I have no idea how this happened), I'm going to get to it on Friday, the check is in the mail.
Friday has come and gone and I'm still a mess, inside and out. I've tried to ignore it, but I can't find a place to hide. Any ideas?
One of my therapist friends suggested that I give myself permission to just be in charge of my own life. . .to accept who I was and where I was . . and to really look at myself more honestly (with the help of a good mentor at times).
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning, I was really irritated with the suggestion! I not only wanted someone to help me figure it out . . I really needed help . . since I was so distracted by the shear amount of sorting and organizing I needed to do.
There are still some days when I feel like I'm in chaos . . and I have to walk it off, talk it out, write it down. I have found any kind of movement helps me to begin . . me, doing something. It "empowers" me. Not in this huge, overused symbolic way . . but in a very real way.
Although I agree with the concept of empowerment on a theoretical level, I always wondered if I liked it on a conceptual level because I didn't necessarily want to be "powerful" over anyone because I felt that often those with too much power had been abusive . . I just wanted to be able to accept who and where I was and to have some footing to move forward. . to clear my head and to clear the space around me.
This permission to only do what I can do each day is very "empowering" . . and it works!
Try it! I'll be here if you need me . . .